親愛的部落格：
昨天。。。他說。。。他不想再等。。。他更不想等到一年。。。
我。。。當時。。。腦袋空白了。。。
我不知道要回答他什么。。。
他說給他一次機會。。。
我給了。。。
但還是要等一年后。。。我們才正式做回情侶。。。
我希望用那一年的時間去慢慢了解對方。。。
以后吵架也會減少。。。
當時當他說：“我么做回情侶吧。。”
我。。真的很想說：“好吧。。我們從頭開始。。。”
可是。。。不曉得我是否愛得他太深了。。。
自從我跟他說：“我們做回普通朋友吧。。。”
我對身邊的男生。。。一點感覺也沒了。。。
以前。。。我看到那些酷帥的男生。。
我都會多看他們一點。。。
甚至目不轉睛得看著他們。。。
讓他們注意注意我。。。
但。。。現在。。。都沒了。。。
我很少都看男生一眼。。。
也很少跟男生說話了。。。
我還真擔心。。我性取向是否出了問題。。。哈～真好笑。。。
有一天。。。他真的弄到我很生氣。。。。
他問我：“我們分手的原因是不是因為第三者？”
我看了。。。我很生氣。。。
我不回他。。。
我真的很想告訴他說：“如果你相信我的話。。我不需要解釋那么多。。
但是相反的。。如果你不相信我。。。我會跟你解釋一切。。。”
你得到答案。。但是。。我們完了。。。
這種情形是不該發生在情侶之間。。。
全世界的人可以懷疑我。。。唯你不能。。。
全世界的人可以問我以上的問題。。。唯你不能。。。
你根本不了解我。。。你認為我是這樣的人嗎？
我是那么不值得讓你信任嗎？
我的心。。。
好比被一把鋒利的刀慢慢的割下。。。
那種痛。。。
又久。。。又痛。。。
我寧愿那瞬間快點過去·。。。
但是。。。疤痕久久都不離我而去。。。
很痛。。。很痛。。。
你不是我。。。你永遠不了解那種痛苦。。。
我何嘗不想很你和好？
我也很懷念當時我們共渡的歡樂時刻。。。
可是。。。我對感情事。。。一點也不想提。。。也不想去想。。。
太復雜了。。。
每當我想著我們要一起出去。。。
要去越遠越好。。還是近近的呢？
太遠。。媽媽會問。。。：“有誰去？怎么去？”
太近。。怕會遇到熟人。。。
沒辦法。。。媽媽和爸爸的人緣太好了。。。
朋友太多。。。
我倒哪里。。。都會遇到他們的朋友。。。
太遠。。。若只是我跟他。。。
就要說騙話了。。。
我說騙話。。。一定會被揭穿。。。
當時。。。就糟了！！
我每次都為此事而煩惱。。。
媽媽和爸爸也慢慢不讓我出。。。
他們說。。。：“不放心。。。”
就連我要到生活營。。。他們也多多藉口。。。
我不知道他們是為我好還是什么。。。。
我不想去想了。。。
只想一個人。。
冷靜冷靜。。。
18/11/2008
1.33pm
瑩
blogger:
yesterday....
i dunno am i doing the right thing now....
i told him....
frens r better...
he din say anything.....
i guess...
juz 4 months..
it din last long....
i tot we will last long 4 at least 1 year...
not many frens know about it...
we decide to keep it...
we even wan to continue back...
sharing every single moment together..
but now...
cannot ...n it's no more...
everything...starting from now...
hav to face alone...
i really miss the moment we had been wif together...
but if he is willing to change 4 me...
i will wait de....
no matter how long...
i hope he will think maturely...
always think of the positive way...
be more independent....
be more...concern...
juz like...i no need say anything he aledi know wat am i thinking...
he might be going to US soon...
good luck to him...
this memory...will keep inside my mind..
although it is juz a short moment...
we r still frens...
aren't we?
frens forever...
14/11/2008
11.30am
blogger:
yesterday i went to sunway lagoon....i having fun there...
is true....
but it rains...lol...
half fun gone 4 it....
i...
dunno y....
i feel like....
he shall not wait 4 me....
1 year...
my frens said..
"wat?!..i year? too long le ba!"
i dunno...
my mind suddenly come out that 1 year....
i think he can find someone better den me...
but y..he said he can wait until my spm over?
i even giv him sign....
we back to normal frens...
he dun wan....
blogger..u know?
the moment i told him 'we back to normal frens...ok?"
my heart ....very very hurt...
i even wat to take back my words...
can i ?
i dun think i can....
i even wan to tell him...
i really need u....
if 1 day he leave me...
i wont say anything..
because...he really found someone better....
i...am not a good girl at all...
i am ...truly bad...
i m blur....
forgetful...
i know my physical appearance is the worst among my frens...
everytime....he said u r better dne many frens...
i dun think so...
i feel that he juz is to make me happier...
these days..
i dunno wat happen to my mum....
she...gt angry easily....
maybe her mood not so good...
den ..nvm la...
but everytime....y dun she giv me compliment...
giv me support?
i really need her support...
i always ask opinion from her...
she is my idol actually...
i always respect her...
i admit....
gt a few times i talk loudly to her....
she that time dun like me anymore..but that time i was really moody...
after that i was so sorry....
i tell myself....
i muz be more independent...
anything only myself will know....
my fren...his name L...
he know i gt many problem keep inside my heart....
he even tell me ...
dun keep everything inside ur heart...
say it out....
u will feel better....
i feel very touching...
my tears...
i cant control...
sometimes...i hope L is him....
i hope he will understand my mind....
even sometimes i din treat him well..
i really hope he understands the purpose i did it....
blogger...
luckily i hav a gang of frens...
they giv me happy moment...
they care 4 me...most of the time...
i...
wat they had done....
i really appreciate it...
thx^^...
13/11/2008
1.15pm
I always need time on my own...
I never thought I''d need you there when I cry.....
And the days feel like years when I''m alone.....
And the bed where you lie.....
is made up on your side......
When you walk away.....
I count the steps that you take......
Do you see how much I need you right now?.....
When you''re gone......
The pieces of my heart are missing you.........
When you''re gone.............
The face I came to know is missing too........
When you''re gone..............
All the words I need to hear to always get me through the day.......
And make it OK.........
I miss you............
I''ve never felt this way before......
Everything that I do...........
Reminds me of you............
And the clothes you left............
they lie on my floor...........
And they smell just like you....
I love the things that you do.......
We were made for each other........
Out here forever......
I know we were........
All I ever wanted was for you to know....
Everything I do I give my heart and soul...........
I can hardly breathe.........
I need to feel you here with me....
16/10/2008
8.50pm...
natalie...
blogger^^
blogger...i din cry 4 two days already...
i feel very very happy.....^^
i am not as down as before.....
because....i found somewhere will make me happy....
someone teach me to be happy....
the way they teach me....
is very useful....
once i be with them.....
i will forget any unhappy thing....
yesterday night...
i talk to him....
we work and talk....
i realize....
i am better than him....
he told me....
since 2 years old...
he din see his mother....
he said...his mother run away....
and he have 2 brothers and 2 sisters....
he is the eldest....
he said...now he is living with his grandma...
before that....
nobody want him...
they throw him here and there...
he feel lonely...
sometimes he want to kill himself....
he feel that he is not supposed to belong to this world....
but then....
he met 1 girl....
that girl chase him....
that girl passed by his class purposely...
ask for his hand phone number...
then...they started for 2 weeks...
haiz..
after that....
they break up....
he feel very very sad...
he said he will find out the guy and kill him...
lol...
ok bye....
i will let u more about this next time...bye^^
my dearest blogger:
compared to yesterday....
i feel better today....
i am not as down as yesterday...
before sleeping....
i cried in front of the computer screen...
someone gave me a key....
he let me to open the doors......
i know how to open already...
actually it is not hard...
juz sometimes....
i don't know where to get the key....
i can get the key by myself.....
sometimes...i really want someone to give me the special key to open the special door....
i don't know why....
everytime when i was lost....
i want him to be with me....
but....he will not always next to me...
i want to lean on his back...
cry at the back....
o shoulder....
but...
maybe...i have to find another key to open this big door....
haiz...but i don't want to think of this problem....
i just plan....
n HE decide everything....
sometimes....i really want someone to call me..sms me....
but now...my phone no credit...
lol...
talk to me....
but...now it is ok....
maybe the key...the starting will be hard...but after that....
i can see my dream place...
my dream house....
i am very very tired now....
i want to rest.....
sometimes....
i draw my dream house...
my dream beach.....
with the clean water..
bule sky....
white cloud....
the seaguls.....
flying here n there....
and then....
i can see the sun set....
red n orange....n also yellow.....
juz like an egg....
very very nice...
i wish i can be there...
blogger....u want to go there?
that is the nicest place....
u will like it....
only u n me....
u r always my best listner...
my best fren...
actually blogger hard to be?
i hope next time...
i just want to be a tree...hmm...coconut tree the best....
i want to live by the beach....
living with sunset....blue sky....
n white cloud....
if possible....there is also the rainbow...
with the 7 colours....
i like it....
i will meet u up there....i might be late...
u will go there and wait for me right?
13/10/2008
10.43am
natalie ":>
dear blogger:
i m lost....i dunno wat can i do....
i did the worst thing...i made a big mistake in my life......
i cry in front of someone who i love the most in my life--my parents...
i dunno y...they talk about my job in sushi-king....
the crew all treat me very good.....the best.....thanks....
they talk n talk...i noe they care about me.....
they wan to noe whether i happy to work there o not....
i tell them honestly...
i m very very happy.....
no need worry about me....
then they ask....
u aledi biasa to there?
i answered: yes.....
then they ask this...ask that....
tehry dun believe i really happy there....
sometimes i really wan to commit suicide...
once i hold a knife.....
i holding towards my veins....
i hestitated...
shall i?
i dunno....
i scared of pain....
i dun wan suffered...
i dun wan leave the world so fast...
i dun wan leave teh 3 ppl i love the most in this world...
i wan to share my every single moment wif them....
i m lost...is true...
blogger...
i dunno wat can i do...
i only noe u r the best listner....
u wont scold me...
u wont blame me....
i noe....
sometimes....when i was alone...
i always think of the side.......
i wan to cry...
i wan to cry in front of a person....
i wan to tell someone my problem....
but nobody...
i wan to tell him....
but something bad had happened to him....
i dun wan giv him some burden....
so...i carry myself.....
sometimes i cry at the toilet...
i open the water paip...
make it noisy...
i cry inside it....
i dun wan let my family to hear about it...
everytime...
i make myself happy....
i force myself to smile in front of my frens...
i cant!!!
i was really really unhappy....
sometimes....i wna to lean on someone's back...
n cry....
shoulder oso can....
i wan to cry..
i wan to go to the beach...
i wan to scream.....
but....
i dun noe how to go...
who can bring me???
blogger...can u bring me the otehr side of the world...
only u n me....
i wan a good listner...
but i haven find 1....
i m a good listner sometimes....
but y no none willing to be my listner?
i wan to c teh counselor...
but i scared my fren ask me....
u meet counselor?
wat happen to u???
i scared to be malu...
i really 'love face"....
i cant let anyone c my weakness...
i dunno who can i cry to....
i cannot even cry in front of anyone.....
who can help me?